Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
