No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
