i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
