my phone needs a breathalizer
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
