Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
