no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
