do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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