I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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