We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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