Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
