After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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