and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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