just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
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We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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