Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
