yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Little spoons don't ask big questions
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
