Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
