I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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