remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
