i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
