i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
