I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
