I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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