She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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