so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
this will be a night to untag.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
