After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You need Xanax blowdarts
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
