it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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