Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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