I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
