Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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