so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
