and you said cock pushups were impossible
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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