I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
