Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
