I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
