this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
