It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
