So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
