its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
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