I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
