did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
