I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
