Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
