Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
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I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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