I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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