his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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