I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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