Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
