My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
