I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize