that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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