if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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