Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
