Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
