You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
