i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
