The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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