Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
