Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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