Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
