wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
