I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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